-ism

Curiousism:
I once said to a friend, maybe about 5 years ago, when he got a broken arm from a rugby game; "How interesting your life can be?" Guess thats not a very suitable phrase for someone who is waiting to get his arm cemented but he agreed. I myself never had any broken bones, i was a very careful person because my parents always remind me not to join any dangerous sports for good reasons obviously. But i always imagine im a scriptwritter of my own life, a plot must have up and down sides to make it more interesting. I grab every chances to expose myself to dangerous activities or plans, like travelling alone, changing life plans by means of outside comfort zones and so on. Now, i had more than enough of ups and downs, sometimes the downs are bit too many than ups, making me a bit depressed sometimes. Well, every act has its own consequences. So take it or leave it. Oh, the friend of mine said to me; "Now yours is much more interesting".

Emotivism:
Im really glad to have the chance to travel half way around the world because now i realised i was totally an emotivist, acts based on feelings. It needs a very long explanation, if not i may misinterpret the real meaning of the word. For examples, if we tell someone that a course of action is wrong, we are not describing properties of that action but rather merely expressing our feelings, our attitudes toward the action in atttempting to arouse similar feelings or attitudes in the listeners. This happens a lot in Malay cultures. The elders always say it is wrong to do this and that, but never really explain why. No offence, but just as an example, correct me if i got it wrong. In opposite, a few outsider's cultures are being more frank in saying something is wrong with very clear explanation. Complex isn't it? Similarly, from what i've read, accountants and economists cannot work in the same room. Accountants are being more careful in spending money while economists want to invest as much as they can to ensure positive economic growth. In simpler term, everyone is different.

Positivism:
When i am on my downsides, i always try to reach the upside as hard as i could. It may be working 24/7 in the same room, i dont really care as long as i can climb the stairs again. But sometimes being a positivist has its own cons. Let me tell you this, there are a numbers of things in this world that cannot be change, accept that. For instance, i got robbed last year, i am still in hope of my stuff will come back to me, with the thoughts of those robbers will be better persons. Obviously, thats just a ridiculousness. My friend's house got broken into last week and i lost my laptop, and i think maybe the burglar needs it more than me. Thats a little....too kind of thought. No, im not saying be a positivist is wrong at any angle. It helps me to feel better everytime bad things happen to me.

Conclusion(-ism):
Believe me, after 20 years, i have more ambitions than i did when i was in primary school, when my classroom teacher asked me to fill the 3 columns, what i want to be when i grow up. One of the columns i wrote "Prime minister". Gosh, i still dont know why did i write that one down. But Dr. Mahathir was an educator, wasnt he? See, im playing with your mind. You might say, "Oh, he is such an ambitious person" or " Thats just a joke, this kind of person will never be one". Some individuals like to make a conclusion from what they read, what they saw, maybe with no further investigation. I admit i am one of those, well maybe sometimes. Im still looking for that rigid point, where sustainability can be achieved; if it does exist. You found it? Let me know.

A strong man

Oh im so excited, way too excited to go home this time, maybe because i've been homeless for about a week, almost all friends are back in Malaysia now and today, my turn! So basically in this 12 hours time before my flight, im trying to find something worthy to do, rather than just watching clock "tik tok" ing, counting every second. So i went through profiles on Facebook (oh being a little nosey am i? Dont worry im not a permanent stalker, just a temporary one lol since i have nothing else better to do) and found this profile of a small guy name X. He's a friend of mine, a quiet one. I opened his page because he got this awesome quote, not just quoting but improving the quote to suit us better. Thus i clicked on "older posts" tab. Full with meaningful quotes i should say. Since im gonna write based on his quote which he quoted from someone else which is someelse's quote (i'll stop there) i just put a simple reference then.

"A strong man is with a strong heart" (Mr.X, 2010) Recent years, i try to gain a few more pounds, hoping to hear from friends and family to say this to me: "its been awhile since i saw you, now you gain weight". Thats a meaningful sentence i've been waiting for ages, but nah sadly i dont get it. I tried a number of options; weight gain, mini gym in my room, loads of meal per day but still +/- 1kg. Ladies always express their jealousy because i can maintain my weight no matter how many times i eat, but hey im a guy, i need to be big and strong. Even the first line of defence in war, the war-fighters have big nice muscles and Islam itself says men must be strong to join the war. That is what im aiming for. I'll stop you there. Strong does not mean just "physically strong", there are different angles where we will say someone is strong. Geniuses, they are intelectually stronger than rugby players, women and men are strong in different fields. So why The Creator created Eve for Adam? To complement each other of course. Back to physically strong topic, what if someone who is born genetically dwarf, no matter how hard he tries to gain a few more inches of height, it ain't working. Why aim for the same thing if you know it is not for you, life is fair, try to find something where your strenght lies in. Maybe you see someone is academically good, very sporty and success in their life because others keep encouraging him by praising him all the time and you only stand behind the curtains, watching him from afar, wishing to be more like him. This world does not work that way, each and every single birth is unique and you are born for something, not nothing. I can feel, i am born for something great although i have not find it (or maybe i already did, or maybe ongoing and i dont realise it, who knows?) Same works to others, i dont see why a walking person should be laughed because of their weaknesses, their sizes or anything. Joke is a joke, but i do find this thing is a serious offence as a human. We are all Khalifah on this world, no matter how bad or good you are, how good-looking or moderate-looking you are, how rich or less money you have, we are still equal. Counter-balance. Although im not good at talking big, or just a walking skeleton, or whatelse, i honour my strong heart to keep on going no matter what. Wahh, that feels good, it really is :) Just remember, keep down to earth no matter how success you are, help others when they are in need, dont ever think you are better than someone else at all course because at the end, we will end up at the same place. Where? Deep down the Earth with nothing. Well, joke is fine, i always joke around with friends, especially my big-sized belly friends, hoping the karma will get back to me and i will gain some more weight lol. Well then, pray for my safety during my home journey inshaAllah. Kuching, here me come! :)

A true art

I always envy artists, not the ones who sing on stage on specific term but those whose work shows exceptional creative ability or skill; music, arts, cookings. It is such a broad term where i always thought im not an artist myself; well at least i got an A- once in my art class during my secondary school (oh that lad was such a handy guy, never wanting to give us As) and i played flute as well, not anymore at university. Some people tend to speak their minds and some interpret their feelings in another forms, be it musical notes, drawings and even gestures. These two groups of people are everywhere, and i work hard to slowly distinguish them. If you are good enough, try to read what is playing in mind through others' eyes. It is such a beauty of art and believe me not, it helps for indirect therapy of every single walk of life. Even if they yell in your face, bang the door (just examples of course) emotionally brain has 2 options; it can direct you to anger or, can release them in parts by giving commands to express your feelings in another forms like i said earlier. Based on my own experience in early stage, i preferred to clump those hatred, all the negative feelings deep inside me and then, puff automatically i felt sleepy and went to bed, then woke up feeling normal again. But it did not completely gone of course, bits of the negative energy still left and become parts of my life. Sounds not that good isn't it? I realised not long ago, the brain keeps telling me to do something creative like "hey, you should learn how to play piano, or violin or whatsoever" or "hey, i dont like this arrangement of room of yours, change it you dumb dumb" to keep me away from negative energy, to think pass through them just like that. Sometimes it tends to direct me to do something not that possible for me in my current situation like "oh man, this is so disappointing, you should fly somewhere to gain your calmness, like New York maybe New Zealand" Well at least both places got the word "new" in them. Out of nowhere, there is a tiny voice telling the brain "Are you out of your mind, mind?" I wonder where did the voice come from but it always keep me smiling inside. Im sure its the heart, and it acts both positive and negative feedback on every doings. A number of movies do have this kind of dialogue; " Listen to your heart" and i think the script-writter must be a strong-hearted person. How to be a good cook? Listen to your heart. Nah, im just joking.

Standing on your own feet

Forth day:

It feels good to be back and meeting mates after my so-called McCandless Journey where i challenge myself to be stronger to face the certain outcome later in my life. By means of my inner strenght of course without being dependent on others, standing on my own feet. A mate asked where had i been and i was joking i ran away because he didnt give me a hand to clean my friggin big house, although im a bit disappointed to be honest that day, but not for long, maybe just for a night. It is such a tiny thing for me and he took it seriously and i just laughed. No, i dont give a fuck of small things anymore; to be asked to hang out with others, to be served for dinner, to be accompanied when i am lonely, to be comforted when im sad. Im facing bigger challenge now, should i say, more like a slow life-threatening. I wonder if i still can depend on others now, and the feeling of dependent to others slowly fade away, im scared to ask for help or talk about my problems, even to my family and parents. Although im staying in this big city of Birmingham at the moment, it feels like it is surrounded by big trees and no human population at all. Hence, it feels really good when i can write about it because for me to nag to others now, i should think twice. Disappointment comes where they always say "hey im your friend, you can talk to me about anything" and obviously its not. Oh yes, im such a loner now as im preparing myself to face a bigger challenge after student life. I guess loads of people are pissed off with me because im being such a jerk and secretive, but hey let me tell you guys, im sorry about everything, thats the only way i can try to fade off from our fancy life, full with friends and gadgets, oh and also money, im trying not to give a fuck of anything anymore because im training myself to be mentally and emotionally prepared. Maybe i overdo it, but what does matter to me now is i must be prepared and i cannot delay it any second. Kidulthood no more, say hello to adulthood. Oh im just gonna repeat this again, sensitivity is not my thing anymore.

Reincarnation

Dear life,

Have i grown stronger? Or am i getting weaker? Recently a few events pushed my serenity to the limit and my anger and disappointment which i lock deep inside for years almost burst or maybe it already did. Where is the patience? I feel sorry for myself when im in that condition, and the best way to solve the problem is to go away for awhile, not to run away from the problem, but to think carefully. Regain the strength to put the anger and disappointment where they should be, far away from the heart. If i lost other organs, i dont want to lose my heart and sanity. My aim is to be a strong-willed person, even if i feel like living alone in this world, when i feel helpless, and in grief. Humans tend to get annoyed when you nag to them, when you ask for help and when you show the your weak points, but He will always be with you when you nag to Him anytime, anywhere. I wonder if i can survive the challenges, but i believe if i keep giving the happiness to others but i dont get them back, there will always be next time. To ask for help is a nature for human-being, so dont feel sorry when you asked for one. But dont be too dependent of others as you will end up hurting yourself, physically and mentally when you did not get one. Is there any decent person for me in this lifetime? Im sure there is as i know you are fair, life deary.