I once reached that sweetness in my heart where i cannot stop smiling, for no reason and the excitement and joyfulness flew inside me infinitely. It felt like an ultimate freedom. Free from materialistic world, fake, lies and excess demands. It felt like you can just walk around without thinking about the judgements from the others and you are free to do anything, like, anything. It felt like i can be there in the middle of the crowd without worrying about my status, money, knowledge, job, origin, religion, race, skills, height, weight etc. But only once. That very moment is what i hold onto to keep me going through that cracks of society. Narrow and hard for me to breathe another second with all the emotions, gestures, the way they look at me; expressionless freaks me the most as i dont know what they are thinking.
Even harder when i have to be part of it. I have to judge everyday, every figures that come across in front me or in my mind. It feels like i have no other genuine, less cruel choices but to play along with the game. When i am at the bottom, it feels like i am the boy in the corner of the room while at the top, seems like im leaving someone in corner. So that leaves me in the middle where judgemental figures dont want to be, all are pursuing the top and left those in need with their struggles. Its either you rich, or be poor. Its either you healthy, or be sick. Its either you smart, or be dumb. Its either you outstanding, or keep shut. Where are all equalities crap i hear, see, watch gone? Where's all the non-judgemental figures hiding? Why do i need to compete for fancy cars, loads of money in bank account, has a good body-shape, has a wide knowledge of things i dont even like? Why should i act to be hardworking as them, to be as smart as them, as rich as them in order to get accepted in the particular group? That problem may arise from me as i think too much rather than doing it, but it feels like im restraining myself into a specific society and what i want, really want is again that ultimate freedom. I read somewhere how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong.
